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Purge -
January 27th, 2003, 02:06 PM
This weekend I was in a funk... you know, the kind when everything has lost its color and life. I am better now, but it still comes at times...
I realize every once in a while that I become so depressed that I cannot deal with anything, but this is just momentary, and, if I don't freak out and lose it, I will regain composure and not be locked up.
I am not that depressed any more, although I have very strong anti-social leanings. I am excellent in a group environment, as long as I do not have to make a real connection.
Strangely enough, I am married to a wonderful person that hates the world yet loves it in a similar manner to myself, so we have one another to lean on when the other gets down.
At one point, I was diagnosed as Bi-polar and have taken Lithium, Zoloft, Paxil (I have taken real "hard" drugs, and nothing compares to when I stopped taking Paxil after a year--I could not do anything but sleep for two days; I crashed--it was horrible), Depacote, and Wellbutrin (also used to stop smoking). These drugs did nothing but make my perceptions of the world thin and colorless, so I have stopped taking them for years. I realize now that I just am depressed, and that I made my doctor think that I was Manic so that I could get better drugs that might actually make me feel better.
I do not believe in medication to stop depression. It is a personal process that all should go through to alleviate these conditions. Drugs can help, but counseling and positive self-talk/meditation help quite a bit more.
Depression is something that I believe can be overcome through humor and perspective. The world is absurd, and we are not taught to appreciate this inherent madness and self-contradictory climate in which we live.
I realized one day that I am a good person, with many excellent traits, and that no other person deserves the right to life and happiness than me (or any of you). This realization allowed me to not be held down by the vague (yet strong) constraints that society holds over me. I now try to do whatever I wish to make myself feel better.
Unfortunately often I procrastinate or just avoid interaction with the world, so I should break-out and face it head-on--in order to defeat the spectre of depression that looms over my shoulder and tries to convince me that I am not good enough or do not deserve something.
Back to the question at hand; what is life about?
Life is about whatever you make it. You have the ability to shape the world to whatever your particular vision is.
I hate SNL, but I love the character Stuart Smalley and his quote, which holds tru to all humans, "I am good enough, smart enough, and gosh-darnit, people like me." This is positive self-actualization, and it is the cornerstone to achieving your full potential. If you say a personal mantra to yourself, eventually you will believe it.
I try to lodge an idea similar to this in my subconscious--close enough to guide, but distanced to avoid actively hindering my own journey of self-potentiation. It is basically that I can do anything I set my mind to... and I can if I focus my thought, energy and resources into the task at hand.
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Thought #2 - life is about nothing---we were born through random chance into a world that we wanted nothing of. The only way out is to cause our own destruction, yet if we do not do this, it will eventually take us without any prior knowledge; death is waiting and can strike any time---even now.
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Thought #3 - People that are depressed are often just open to the reality of the world instead of the artificial social constructs that surround us. I feel depressed because I was told that there was an Easter Bunny and that if I was good that I would never know death. I never believed this because I saw through this as social control to keep people doing what is right in a world without order.
I believe that there is natural morality based upon the fact that humans are social creatures. Killing is wrong since it is against our own species and that is intrinsic in a social creature. Religion tries to make these natural rules for human interaction and explain them in the context of laws and consequences that take away from out free will.
Religions attempt to explain something that is unexplainable and make us feel secure in our place in the universe. They do a good job of this, but there is a price. This price is the understanding of something on many levels--sometimes self-contradictory and paradoxical. I see things in many ways and can argue against myself--I try to look at things from all hypothetical viewpoints and discern the best answer for the time or create an amalgamation or discard them all--and then it can be changed. Religion does not allow for this plasticity of thought. Life is black and white (yet everybody knows that it is colored).
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Life is what you make of it... no one else before or after sees or understands the world as you will. You are an individual that came here by chance... all of the possibilities in the universe are within your grasp.
I could go on, but why?
"There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17... I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice… The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd."
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