Movies, Flicks, Films, whatever you wanna call 'em

CRAP A THON '05

I'm really into good action/martial arts movies. I'm down with all the hip asian actors, collect region 3 DVDs, you know all that crap. I have a darker side, though. One most afficienados don't or can't understand. I like BAD ACTION MOVIES.

In the last year or so my friends and I, all being movie buffs, have made it a point to get back into cheesy US action flicks. The worse, the better... especially if we have booze on hand.

We'll go to the video rental shop and intentionally look for real stinkers.

The favorite by far is Steven Seagal. He's such a joke now that he weighs more than all of my living room furniture combined. Yet, there's something that draws me to his flicks.

My recomendations for crappy movie viewing: (warning: you must have crew with you to point and laugh at the screen with you or you will undoubtedly have a very bad viewing experience)

Out of Reach - Steven Seagal plays an ex CIA guy who's into trees and crap. Some girl is kidnapped. He snaps into action, cheesburgers in hand. Note - the bad guy from the underrated Jasan Statham actioneer "The Transporter" plays the predictable villian in this crapfest as well. Seagal's voice is dubbed by a completely different person for roughly 1/3 his lines. there are more plot holes than China's got Chans.

Out for a Kill - Steven Seagal plays an archeologist studying old Chinese plates. He gets mixed up in some heroin distribution ring crap causing his partner and wife to get killed. He of course goes on a vindictive rampage of bad acting. There's also a cameo by some rap artists guy that has no impact on the plot. Did I say plot? Hehe, I did didn't I!

Belly of the Beast - Steven Seagal, as an ex CIA guy (yes, again), gets back in the business when his daughter is kidnapped. This is actually a decent action flick with good choreography and direction. The only thing holding it back is the man himself, who wears a tent through the entire thing. In some of the most obvious stunt doubling in all of movie history, stuntmen capable of high flying spin kick acrobatics wear fat suits to double as Seagal. These shots alone make it worth the price of admission.

Ticker - Back again, Seagal is a (you guessed it) ex CIA guy now working as a bomb squad zen guru. It co stars Dennis Hopper as a mad bomber, Tom Seizmore (who probably didn't read the script), and ICE-T in an uncredited appearance as a superhero SWAT guy that lasts about 4 seconds. When we saw that scene we were speechless. Just when it couldn't get any worse, ICE-T shows up, doesnt say a word, and disapears. Either his role was so bad they cut out all his crappy scenes, or it was stock footage from some other unreleased crap. Either way, we have sworn to never speak of it to eachother ever again. It's that weird. You owe it to yourself to not see "Ticker". So get out there and rent it.

The Patriot - Our favorite slug returns as CIA guy turned native american medicine man. He saves the world by using science and flowers.... and akido.

The Foreigner - In a rare character twist, Seagal plays someone who is STILL IN the CIA. He wanders around Europe after some package that is very reminiscent of that in DeNiro's "Ronin". Along the way he breaks some arms, shoots people with their own shotguns, and survives huge explosions at ground zero. I had to get sooo drunk to watch this crap.

There are more "gems" I'd like to speak of... but we'll leave them for later. You have some movie watching to do.

[.:sp00ky:.]

lol iv seen all them,i have a friend who really likes Steven Seagal not even in a crappy way he just likes watching his films i on the other hand watch them for a laugh although the fact he plays the same "(ex)cia man who likes mother earth and has lots of beads round him o and he likes to kick people" person is rather amusing if getting abit boring.

[.:sp00ky:.]

you missed "half past dead" he looks reaaaly fat in that and hardly moves.

[Arch Stanton]

i think my favorite segal attribute is the way he runs

forgive my candor ladies, but that man runs like a woman - whats with those forward thrusted, stiff arms of his anyways???

[Mels_Smileys45]

I too like some cheesy movies although I've only scene like one Segal movie I really liked. what was the one where he shoved that shotgun in the guys mouth, breaking all his teeth? I really like Asian movies and 2 of the 3 dvds I bought last year were Japanese flicks. The killer and Versus. Kill Bill was the other. I havent been able to watch The killer yet. Its the wrong region code. Is there a way to get my computer to play it?

Yeah he runs kinda funny... and holds his gun right up next to his face.

I didn't miss "Half Past Dead". Just saving that for later. I wanted to cover the (ahem) "independent" releases. That one was a (attempted) "major" release co-starring Ja Rule and Morris Chestnut, who also joined Seagal in Undersiege 2: Dark Territory (aka the first movie to make me realize going to the theater can be a bad thing.) Which is also (un)worthy of note.
There's such a huge build up through the whole movie with this bad guy gargling with pepper spray and marching to his doom saying "I'm gonna take out Ryback myself!"
Just when you think you're going to see a fight scene lasting more than 1.5 seconds, Seagal takes out the main badass bad guy quicker than I can say, "Give me my god damned money back".

As a sucker punch to the viewer, as the entire train explodes Seagal leaps to safety on a helicopter's rope ladder, carrying his perfectly slicked hair and wrinkle-free suit up and (hopefully) out of our lives.

I remember refusing to leave the theater, crawling around looking for loose change. I was determined to get something out of it.

Mels you can use the application called "AnyDVD" that will let you watch any region on your DVD Rom. http://www.afterdawn.com/software/vi...ers/anydvd.cfm
It's a trial version I think, but can be found in all the usual places.

You can try a hacked firmware too. Check out this forum http://forum.rpc1.org/index.php


The Killer is great. It's the second John Woo movie I had ever seen. The first being "A Better Tomorrow", which I believe is the first movie to portray Chow Yun Fat as a god-like gunfighter, ushering in the "Heroic Bloodshed" genre of Hong Kong films.
"A Better Tomorrow 2" is a good one too. Though Chow's character Mark died in the first one, his twin brother shows up just in time to kill everyone. If you've ever seen "True Romance", you can see a clip of it on a television Patricia Arquette is watching just as Christian Slater is leaving to confront her ex-pimp.
If you like "The Killer", you should check out Woo's best, and possibly THE best gunplay flick of all time, "Hardboiled". Words can not express the level of over the top violence and hot lead that is contained in this movie. I think it's out of print, but easily available online. I have also heard rumors it's going to be widely available again soon, if not already.

I've got Versus as well. Some people say it's just an excuse to mix martial arts, guns, and zombies. I say, "Yeah.. and.. your point?" A killer flick. I love it. There's an "Ultimate Versus" edition available in region 3, but with no english subtitles. You can, however, find it where you would normally find divx DVDrips, and english subs are out there too. They got the cast back together to shoot another 20 minutes or so of gunplay and zombies, so if you've seen it before you can easily watch the Ultimate version without subs. I'm thinking of ordering it myself, because I don't think there's going to be a region 1 release.

I've got my own views on Kill Bill and Tarantino. I'll save them for some other time.

[TheBlackSnow]

well, I'm martial arts fan too... i have seen all movies with bruce lee, about 50 with jackie chan... and alot of others. "american ninja 2: the confrontation" was the best i think.

[TheBlackSnow]

I dont if such things as "pride fc" "K1" and "UFC" is concerned with martial arts... but whenever, are there any fans of fighting sport?

I like to watch competitions.
They often break down into rolling jui jitsu matches though, and unless you're into those arts it can get boring. If given a choice I prefer to watch Muay Thai or Tae Kwon Do. It's a lot more dynamic and energetic as a spectator sport. Plus, I started out in TKD so it's kinda close to my heart.
Real "street" fighting UFC style can actually be boring to watch until the final death blows when one guy gets the upper hand and pounds away.

Modestas, I totally respect your opinion on "American Ninja 2". Though with me, that series is high on my cheese list. "American Ninja 4" being the best/worst.

[TheBlackSnow]

well, street fighting isnt very close to my heart too. but when proffesional fighters come to ring and show what they can do, its really awesome. Gracies family from Brasil, other brasilain fighters, japan masters etc etc. are just monsters. I have seen UFC hits vol. 1 and vol. 2 its cruel + amazing (I highly recommend to see it 4 everyone martial arts fan).

[Mels_Smileys45]

You know Tarantino wrote True Romance don't you? Great film.

Yeah. I was gonna say that, but didn't wanna seem like too much of a know-it-all.
I agree. True Romance is a good one.

"It aint white boy day, is it?"

"Naw. It aint white boy day."

Classic... total classic.

[.:sp00ky:.]

a good asian film i just watched was goodbye mr cool it has some really good fighting but also has a really good story.

i use to like jackie chan alot he has some awsome old movies the police storys were very good but sadly america has "fucked him side ways" putting him in shit films suck as rush hour 1 and 2 ect, a really big shame if you ask me.

[TheBlackSnow]

Originally Posted by .:sp00ky:.

i use to like jackie chan alot he has some awsome old movies the police storys were very good but sadly america has "fucked him side ways" putting him in shit films suck as rush hour 1 and 2 ect, a really big shame if you ask me.

well, I was going to start thread about jackie... actually a few years ago I was a very big fan of jackie: i think I have seen 50 movies where he's acting. you dont love 'rush hour'? well, i have to say its very good movie. but my favourite from his movies are: 'proekt A 1'; 'proekt a 2'; 'fearless hiena'. do you know any of them? I remember 'police story' series too. the part 3 was incredible... funny jokes + kung fu. 'police story 3' is also one of my favourite his movies.