Jokes Thread...lol

[ratcat]

1st Year Physics Humour


The following is an actual question given on a physics mid term exam. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a Divine Being --- which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN 'A+'

[tokoloshe]

Q. how do you make spaghetti?

A. Hit a lepper over the head with a tenis racket

[harryfielder]

Danny walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.."
Danny certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.
So, Danny gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do; First ,You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it;
Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands;
Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
Danny is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things .."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it,is."
As time goes on and Dan has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with big slurps.
Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon
the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.
Just when they think Danny surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

Aitch,

[fecalb]

A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The man responds, "My crippling alcoholism is tearing my family apart."

A priest, a rabbi, and a muslim walk into a bar. They emerge two hours later with a newfound respect and understanding for each other's beliefs.

Three blondes are stuck on an island when they see a genie come out of a conch. They quickly realize they have reached the hallucination stage of starvation/dehydration and wait for death.

[El Comandante]

Redesigned Logos after the financial meltdown:

[El Comandante]

[El Comandante]

[ratcat]

Biology Test

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk; worth 70 points or none at all.

One student in particular was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student's mind went blank.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote...

7. It comes in awesome containers.

He got an A

[ratcat]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.....

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy.

Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[cracken]

Medical:
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
P: What happened?
D: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
P: Give me the bad news first.
D: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
P: That's terrible! What's the good news?
D: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

[Mucci Man]

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

[El Comandante]

An oldie but good:


A man goes to the Government to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"

"Yes sir, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good, that counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"

"I am 100% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they declared me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."

"If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?"

"Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that!"

[HelenaP]

You have always had a way of making my day, El C ...

[El Comandante]

Damn this was funny:

[El Comandante]

The "Hollywood" Operating System.

1. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

2. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit
data at two gigabytes per second.

3. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the
control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

4. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,
it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a
backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.
Corollary: Deleting a file instantly removes all copies of said file from
disks, memory, frame buffers and caches across all computers in the universe.

5. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for
a password when you try to access it.

6. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by
any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all
computer platforms.

7. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However,
everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.

8. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional,
real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

9. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time
video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY.

10. Whenever a character looks at a terminal, the image is so bright that it
projects itself onto his/her face.

11. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans
operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

12. (From Independence Day) No matter what kind of virus it is, any computer
can be infected with it -- even an alien spaceship's computer -- simply by
running a virus upload program on a laptop.

13. (From Jurassic Park) A custom system with millions of lines of code
controlling a multimillion dollar theme park can be operated by a 13 year
old who has seen a Unix system before. Seeing an operating system means you
know how to run any application on that system, even custom apps.
Note: What OS was it really running?
(1) "These are super computers". A CrayOS?
(2) "Quicktime movie, Apple logo, trash can." MacOS?
(3) "Reboot. System ready. C:\" DOS?
(4) "Hey, this is Unix. I know this" Unix?
The computers in Jurassic Park were Cray supercomputers running the MacOS
as a graphical shell of DOS all layered on top of a Unix base.

14. You cannot stop a destructive program or virus by unplugging the computer.
Presumably the virus has it's own built-in power supply.

15. You cannot stop a destructive program downloading onto your system by
unplugging the phone line. You must figure out the mandatory "back door"
all evil virus programmers put in.

16. Computers only crash if a virus or a hacker is involved.

17. All text must be at least 72 point.

18. Word processors do not have an insert point.

19. The only way to reboot is to shut off the main power to the building.

20. Passwords can be guessed in three and exactly three tries. If you cannot
guess the password in three tries, you must give up immediately.

21. Any task or program can be executed by simply pressing Enter, no matter
which program or window is in the foreground.

22. All scanners, video cameras and digital cameras have a resolution of
approximately 500 megapixels. Any image can be infinitely magnified with
no pixelization.

23. Security will not improve over time. Nonaffialiated personnel can take
over a space ship without needing an account or access control.
Corollary: Anyone can override access control lists in the future.

24. All hackers wear black T-shirts or Hawaiian shirts.

25. Incoming messages are displayed letter by letter. Email over the Internet
works like telegraphs.

26. Microsoft Windows doesn't exist. Macintosh has a 75% market share.

27. GUI operations, such as image selection and manipulation, can be handled
easily and quickly via the keyboard.

28. If a robot's eyes turn red, it becomes evil.

29. Cell phones and laptops have infinite battery life, until you need to
call for help.

30. Latency does not exist. Voice and data can be sent to Mars in real time.