SanDiegoKid
January 12th, 2005, 05:23 PM
CRAP A THON '05
I'm really into good action/martial arts movies. I'm down with all the hip asian actors, collect region 3 DVDs, you know all that crap. I have a darker side, though. One most afficienados don't or can't understand. I like BAD ACTION MOVIES.
In the last year or so my friends and I, all being movie buffs, have made it a point to get back into cheesy US action flicks. The worse, the better... especially if we have booze on hand.
We'll go to the video rental shop and intentionally look for real stinkers.
The favorite by far is Steven Seagal. He's such a joke now that he weighs more than all of my living room furniture combined. Yet, there's something that draws me to his flicks.
My recomendations for crappy movie viewing: (warning: you must have crew with you to point and laugh at the screen with you or you will undoubtedly have a very bad viewing experience)
Out of Reach - Steven Seagal plays an ex CIA guy who's into trees and crap. Some girl is kidnapped. He snaps into action, cheesburgers in hand. Note - the bad guy from the underrated Jasan Statham actioneer "The Transporter" plays the predictable villian in this crapfest as well. Seagal's voice is dubbed by a completely different person for roughly 1/3 his lines. there are more plot holes than China's got Chans.
Out for a Kill - Steven Seagal plays an archeologist studying old Chinese plates. He gets mixed up in some heroin distribution ring crap causing his partner and wife to get killed. He of course goes on a vindictive rampage of bad acting. There's also a cameo by some rap artists guy that has no impact on the plot. Did I say plot? Hehe, I did didn't I!
Belly of the Beast - Steven Seagal, as an ex CIA guy (yes, again), gets back in the business when his daughter is kidnapped. This is actually a decent action flick with good choreography and direction. The only thing holding it back is the man himself, who wears a tent through the entire thing. In some of the most obvious stunt doubling in all of movie history, stuntmen capable of high flying spin kick acrobatics wear fat suits to double as Seagal. These shots alone make it worth the price of admission.
Ticker - Back again, Seagal is a (you guessed it) ex CIA guy now working as a bomb squad zen guru. It co stars Dennis Hopper as a mad bomber, Tom Seizmore (who probably didn't read the script), and ICE-T in an uncredited appearance as a superhero SWAT guy that lasts about 4 seconds. When we saw that scene we were speechless. Just when it couldn't get any worse, ICE-T shows up, doesnt say a word, and disapears. Either his role was so bad they cut out all his crappy scenes, or it was stock footage from some other unreleased crap. Either way, we have sworn to never speak of it to eachother ever again. It's that weird. You owe it to yourself to not see "Ticker". So get out there and rent it.
The Patriot - Our favorite slug returns as CIA guy turned native american medicine man. He saves the world by using science and flowers.... and akido.
The Foreigner - In a rare character twist, Seagal plays someone who is STILL IN the CIA. He wanders around Europe after some package that is very reminiscent of that in DeNiro's "Ronin". Along the way he breaks some arms, shoots people with their own shotguns, and survives huge explosions at ground zero. I had to get sooo drunk to watch this crap.
There are more "gems" I'd like to speak of... but we'll leave them for later. You have some movie watching to do.
I'm really into good action/martial arts movies. I'm down with all the hip asian actors, collect region 3 DVDs, you know all that crap. I have a darker side, though. One most afficienados don't or can't understand. I like BAD ACTION MOVIES.
In the last year or so my friends and I, all being movie buffs, have made it a point to get back into cheesy US action flicks. The worse, the better... especially if we have booze on hand.
We'll go to the video rental shop and intentionally look for real stinkers.
The favorite by far is Steven Seagal. He's such a joke now that he weighs more than all of my living room furniture combined. Yet, there's something that draws me to his flicks.
My recomendations for crappy movie viewing: (warning: you must have crew with you to point and laugh at the screen with you or you will undoubtedly have a very bad viewing experience)
Out of Reach - Steven Seagal plays an ex CIA guy who's into trees and crap. Some girl is kidnapped. He snaps into action, cheesburgers in hand. Note - the bad guy from the underrated Jasan Statham actioneer "The Transporter" plays the predictable villian in this crapfest as well. Seagal's voice is dubbed by a completely different person for roughly 1/3 his lines. there are more plot holes than China's got Chans.
Out for a Kill - Steven Seagal plays an archeologist studying old Chinese plates. He gets mixed up in some heroin distribution ring crap causing his partner and wife to get killed. He of course goes on a vindictive rampage of bad acting. There's also a cameo by some rap artists guy that has no impact on the plot. Did I say plot? Hehe, I did didn't I!
Belly of the Beast - Steven Seagal, as an ex CIA guy (yes, again), gets back in the business when his daughter is kidnapped. This is actually a decent action flick with good choreography and direction. The only thing holding it back is the man himself, who wears a tent through the entire thing. In some of the most obvious stunt doubling in all of movie history, stuntmen capable of high flying spin kick acrobatics wear fat suits to double as Seagal. These shots alone make it worth the price of admission.
Ticker - Back again, Seagal is a (you guessed it) ex CIA guy now working as a bomb squad zen guru. It co stars Dennis Hopper as a mad bomber, Tom Seizmore (who probably didn't read the script), and ICE-T in an uncredited appearance as a superhero SWAT guy that lasts about 4 seconds. When we saw that scene we were speechless. Just when it couldn't get any worse, ICE-T shows up, doesnt say a word, and disapears. Either his role was so bad they cut out all his crappy scenes, or it was stock footage from some other unreleased crap. Either way, we have sworn to never speak of it to eachother ever again. It's that weird. You owe it to yourself to not see "Ticker". So get out there and rent it.
The Patriot - Our favorite slug returns as CIA guy turned native american medicine man. He saves the world by using science and flowers.... and akido.
The Foreigner - In a rare character twist, Seagal plays someone who is STILL IN the CIA. He wanders around Europe after some package that is very reminiscent of that in DeNiro's "Ronin". Along the way he breaks some arms, shoots people with their own shotguns, and survives huge explosions at ground zero. I had to get sooo drunk to watch this crap.
There are more "gems" I'd like to speak of... but we'll leave them for later. You have some movie watching to do.